so alllllll day yesterday i was stressing about not getting stuff done.
this morning before work, i had everything prepared for the day. i had a pretty important revelation: i think i make things harder than they need to be. i think sometimes i make more work for myself.
i got done in 30 minutes today what i have spent 2 hours on other weekends. it was an eye-opener for me.
this morning i was having a really hard time. i didn’t write this down, but i had it all planned out (what i was going to say):
fuck you depression. fuck you. i hate the way you invade my life just when things seem to be going well. i hate the way you fuck up my life. i hate the person i am when you invade my life.
i hate you. i hate myself. i hate my life. i just want to be happy. i want to like myself. i want to love myself.
i hate that depression make the SIMPLEST life tasks (GETTING OUT OF BED, brushing my teeth, taking a shower) takes so much fucking effort.
this is what depression looked like the last 24 hours in my life: don’t get shit done at work. go through drive through at taco bell not 30 minutes after i feel sooooo determined to start doing better. get home. have all sorts of plans to get shit done. end up just laying around. allll night. on my couch. get a burst of energy around midnight. finally fall asleep at 1:30 or so. never make it to my bed. sleep on my couch.
alarm goes off at 5:30. go take a bath. plan to be in at work by 6:30.
lay in bed until 7:15 because it’s so damn hard to even get out of bed.
leave for work at 7:30. get to work a little before 8. nearly in tears until about 8:45 because i just keep beating myself up for being behind on stuff.
see students (after not seeing them for 6 days). have a great day with my class. rest of the day is great (including an AMAZING tumblr surprise i will address as soon as possible).
in fact, i went from nearly crying tears of anger, sadness, frustration, depression this morning to crying real tears of happiness this evening.
moral of the story: i’m too hard on myself (i’ve always known this) and……..i make more work for myself. things to work on.