Here’s how the week’s gone so far eating-wise:

• Monday:  ate fine
• Tuesday:  bad food day.  but, i tracked every single bit of food i ate.
• Wednesday:  stellar!
• Thursday:  bad.  didn’t track food.
• Today:  HORRIBLE.

I was okay with Tuesday.  I’m not okay with yesterday and today.  I’ve been eating out of stress and eating things because “it tastes good” and eating because I “deserve it.”

Today was bad.  really bad.  i ate past the point of feeling full…..pretty much all through the day. 

my disappointment in myself isn’t only about the number the scale will show tomorrow.  i’m mainly disappointed and feeling like a failure because of how much lack of self-control and discipline i’ve had the last two days and because i’ve been eating all the wrong foods for the wrong reasons.

over the last 12ish months, i’ve come to see food as fuel for my body.  the last two days i’ve reverted back to my old habits:  eating foods “because it tastes good” and when feeling stressed - as if it will somehow magically make my stress disappear.

i was at a friend’s house earlier tonight where some of the over-eating happened.  on the way home, i felt so full.  i was feeling physically sick.  on the way home i went back and forth between thinking i should blog about this and about how i shouldn’t blog about this.  i was almost in tears thinking of how much i’ve messed up the last two days.

i want my blog to be about my WHOLE journey - not just the happy/good parts.  so, as difficult as it is to share my struggles, i want to share it all - the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

so yeah, i’ve messed up the last two days.  and it sucks and it doesn’t feel good.  it’s scary.  i’m aware of the fact that i’ll likely have food issues for the rest of my life.  but being aware of it doesn’t make it easy. 

i’m trying to take my own advice and not be too hard on myself.  earlier i felt like a failure and like food has been controlling me.  after getting this out, i feel better.  i feel like i’ve taken back that control.  i can’t change what i’ve done, but i can change what i do next. 

tomorrow is a new day and a new chance to be successful.  i WILL get back on track this weekend.  I am worth the effort and the time it takes to be healthy.  this isn’t the end of my story.